Jun 16, 2019

New Bedford native speaks out against child marriage

Susannah Sudborough / Boston University Statehouse Program
Milford Daily News 
June 15, 2019

Monteiro said her husband would tell her she was a bad person who was going against Christ, and would punish her by trying to ruin her relationships with friends.

BOSTON – Tammy Monteiro was married at 16.

“My whole life has been a struggle to do basic things because I was married so young,” she said.

Under Massachusetts law, a judge can give permission for a person of any age to marry if a parent gives consent. There is no statutory age limit. According to Human Rights Watch, more than 1,200 girls under the age of 18 were married in the commonwealth from 2000 to 2016.

Human rights advocates say child marriage robs girls of their childhood and violates their human rights. Monteiro’s experience is no exception.

Born Tammy Smith, she was born and raised in New Bedford. At age 3, her father was incarcerated, and from then on was in and out of prison. Her mother, she said, struggled to take care of her, as she suffered from mental illness, severe social anxiety, and was disabled and unable to work.

“As a teen, I was raising my mother,” Monteiro said.

Monteiro was put into a foster home at age 15.

She then met a 24-year-old man who “took interest in her.” She said he had a Bible and would teach her Scripture. He was a part of the Branches of Christ Church congregation in Brockton, a sect that falls under the umbrella of a larger faith commonly known as the Black Hebrew Israelites.

Followers of this religion, whose practices and affiliations can vary, are united in the belief that African Americans are the true descendants of the tribe of Israel, and believe they are God’s chosen people.

The Southern Poverty Law Center and the Anti-Defamation League have called some denominations of this religion “hate groups” for their controversial views on LGBTQ+, white and Jewish people.

Monteiro said the man told her she was a part of God’s chosen people, which made her feel special and appealed to her young sensibilities.
“I was just a young girl looking for male acceptance,” Monteiro said.
After less than a year, Monteiro said, the man told her that the only way they could be together was to be married. To do this, the couple would need the permission of both a judge and one of her parents. Her birth mother gave permission, Monteiro said, because she believed this man would take care of her daughter.

“He was very charming, educated and well-spoken,” said Monteiro. “She fell for it. She thought she was doing the right thing.”

Reborn as Raiyah
As for the judge, Monteiro said he talked to the groom-to-be for about 20 minutes, asking why he wanted to marry her. She said he told the judge it was simply because he loved her. With no further investigation, the judge gave permission, giving her new husband full custody of her.

In January 1999, they wed. From this point on, everything changed, Monteiro said. She said she was immediately pulled away from her friends and family. She was even given a new name as a part of being reborn in her new religion: Raiyah.
“I was groomed and indoctrinated from the day we were married,” she said.

As part of her new religion, Monteiro said, she had to follow a multitude of rules, such as always wearing a head covering, wearing only ankle-length dresses and specially decorated clothing, and eating a strict diet.

Monteiro characterizes the religion as “male supremacist.” She said she was taught that women were not supposed to speak out, that wisdom was only given to men and that to “get right with God,” a woman must submit to her husband.

On the church’s YouTube channels, leaders explain their beliefs regarding the role of women in two videos uploaded in November. The videos show one of the two church leaders teaching doctrine including ideas that women were created to serve their husbands, that independent women are being led by Satan, and that husbands are to rule over their wives.

A friend of Monteiro’s who was a member of the church for 23 years and requested anonymity said that the church was even more restrictive in terms of what a woman was allowed to do when she first joined in the 1990s. She said they taught a wife was a man’s possession, and that the husband must “train” her.

She said not everyone followed the doctrine to the letter, and that over time the focus of the church shifted from strict gender roles to finding peace in Christ. But, she said, it still teaches similar doctrine, including the idea that how a woman “serves” her husband is how she shows gratitude to God.

A spokesperson for the Branches of Christ Church said that it neither encourages nor condones child marriage. The spokesperson also said church teachings come directly from the Bible, and that it does not believe in interpretation.

Monteiro said she was taught that while her husband was out building his career, she was to be a keeper in the home and to have children, which she dutifully did. She said she was even praised as a role model for others.

“People would say ‘see how Sister Raiyah obeys her husband?’” said Monteiro.

This situation was ideal in the religion, the friend said. But she clarified this was not meant to keep a woman “captive,” and that the church did not encourage men to mistreat their wives. In fact, she said, most people coming into the congregation were looking to better their lives, and were looking for a life with more unity and family.

“The goal is to get these men to stop smoking, stop drinking, read the Bible, read the Commandments,” said the friend.
Still, she said, given the age difference between Monteiro and her husband, she believes her friend was not able to stand up for herself the way an older woman might have, and that her husband misused the teachings of the church.

“You can give two people the same instruction, and based on where that person is in their mind, they could manipulate those scriptures to fit their own needs,” the friend said.

Struggle for ‘sense of self’
Monteiro said that while married, she was unable to build a career, educate herself or do anything but be his wife. She said she had to fight to be allowed to wear pants, go to the library and get her driver’s license.

“I struggled to be my own person and find a sense of self,” said Monteiro.

A few years into the marriage, Monteiro said she convinced her husband to leave the group. But even once he did, he retained the group’s rules and beliefs.

Because she was supposed to “be fruitful and multiply,” Monteiro said she was not allowed to use contraception. As a result, over nearly 20 years, she gave birth to eight sons. Her eldest is now 19.

Monteiro said being a mother and creating a family atmosphere came naturally to her. She said she considered herself a professional, home-schooling the children and doing her best to build a good life for them.

“He expected me to be this super woman of God, which was so much to live up to,” said Monteiro.

From the outside, the friend said Monteiro and her husband seemed happy. She described Monteiro as “a hell of a mother” and said she was always cheerful and finding meaning in the home she was building.

“People thought we had a picture-perfect marriage,” said Monteiro. “We were married for so long and we had great kids. But under the surface, his relationship with me was bad.”

Monteiro said her husband was nice to everyone else, including her children.

“It was different with me because I was supposed to be his possession,” said Monteiro.

During this time, Monteiro and her husband were interviewed by the Standard-Times of New Bedford when he lost his job. She said that while the article accurately portrayed their positive family life, the “high spirits” described in the article were not representative of what she was truly feeling.

“If a reporter comes into your home, you’re going to act like everything is fine,” said Monteiro.

‘Living his truth’

In 2012 and 2013, Monteiro went through a difficult time when her mother died and her sister committed suicide a few months later. Her husband was not supportive during this time, she said, and even often became angry at her for being sad, which weakened the marriage.

“When my mom and sister died, I realized I had to live more authentically,” said Monteiro. “I was living his truth.”

Monteiro said she began to change rapidly, working hard to educate herself. She said she became interested in other religions. She recalls going to the library and picking out books such as “The Power of Now,” by Eckhart Tolle, and other books on self-empowerment.

But Monteiro said her husband told her that by doing these things she was not worshiping God the right way. She said he would tell her that she was a bad person who was going against Christ, and would punish her by trying to ruin her relationships with friends.

When Monteiro finally asked for a divorce, she said her husband started to be more appreciative and do nice things for her. She stayed because she was forgiving and believed he would change, she said.
“The first 15 years, he didn’t pay any attention to me,” said Monteiro. “Then I get rebellious and he’s smothering me.”

Monteiro said she felt “emotionally squeezed” by her husband, who was controlling and paranoid about her interactions with others. She said that while she loved her husband, she was afraid of him.

“He wouldn’t divorce me,” said Monteiro. “I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t accept me. He wanted me to stay the same.”

Monteiro said the two tried to work out their differences but were unable. In the fall of 2017, she went to The Women’s Center in New Bedford to seek help. There she was shown a “spiritual abuse wheel,” that detailed what spiritual abuse is like. She said she was floored when she realized she had experienced everything listed.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes spiritual (or religious) abuse as when someone ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs, prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs, uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them or uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors. It is often accompanied by other forms of abuse, such as emotional or physical.

“It’s a different level of abuse when they’re using God as justification,” said Monteiro.

Leaving the home

In the final months of 2017, Monteiro said she made plans to leave the state. She took her three youngest children in the middle of the night and stayed with a friend who lived nearby for several weeks. She then traveled with the children to North Carolina, then on to Atlanta and finally to Pennsylvania where she currently resides.

“The marriage left me spiritually strong but in financial ruin,” said Monteiro.

Without a career or an education, Monteiro said, her husband had kept her dependent on him. When she left, he closed down her bank account and would not allow her to use her car.

In the months following her departure, Monteiro said she was on the verge of homelessness and had to get food from pantries to get by.

“This is what being married does to a person,” said Monteiro. “It leaves you in pieces.”

Eventually, Monteiro said, her husband came to collect the children. He threatened legal action against her, and knowing nothing about the law, she acquiesced.
“It was the hardest day of my life,” said Monteiro.

Monteiro said her husband is currently preventing her youngest sons from having any contact with her, though her older sons have been able to. She is currently working with lawyers from Unchained at Last, a nonprofit that provides legal and emotional resources to women who are victims of child marriage, to gain visitation rights.

Monteiro, now 36, works as an Uber driver, caregiver and activist. She has a new partner who helps empower her to tell her story.

“He’s teaching me that I can be in a relationship and still be me,” said Monteiro.

Her life has been much better since leaving her husband, Monteiro said. She said she hopes to one day become a minister and help other people who have been hurt by religion. She said she does not subscribe to any particular doctrine and sees beauty in all religions.

Monteiro runs a Facebook page called “Sister Raiyah.” She said her followers, whom she considers her congregation, have donated money to help her, and that she does not know what she would have done without the emotional and financial support she has received through social media.

“I’ve gotten to see who I am without him,” said Monteiro.

Monteiro still goes by Raiyah, as she said she finds it difficult to relate to her original name. She maintains that her negative experiences all stem from being married as a minor, and believes the commonwealth bears some responsibility, as it allowed the marriage to take place.

“Where my parents failed, the state should have held integrity,” said Monteiro.

Monteiro said that she feels she lost out on her childhood and was unable to do all the things normal teenagers do.

Still, she does not see herself as a victim. She said she wants to help other women in similar situations.
In late March, Monteiro joined other survivors of child marriage at the Statehouse to protest child marriage and support House and Senate bills that would make 18 the absolute minimum age for marriage. In doing so, she became the first woman from Massachusetts to speak out about child marriage.

“I know my future is bright,” she said.

https://www.milforddailynews.com/news/20190615/new-bedford-native-speaks-out-against-child-marriage

No comments: