Suzanne Harrington
Independent.ie
August 4, 2021
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the perpetrator makes the victim doubt their own memories, perceptions and behaviours. We talk to the experts about the warning signs and how to stand up to a gaslighter.
Calm down. You’re so emotional. I never said that. That never happened. It’s not a big deal. Stop imagining things. You’re always twisting things. I would never have done that. Stop being so dramatic. You’re over sensitive. I was just kidding. You’re remembering it wrong. What’s the matter with you? You’re insane. You need help.
his is gaslighting. Mostly it happens in intimate relationships, but really it can happen anywhere — at work, in friendships, in politics. It’s not a medical term, but a colloquialism referring to a form of psychological manipulation where over time the manipulated person begins to doubt their own memory, perception, even their reality.
It is a gradual process, which makes it difficult to detect if you’re on the receiving end, and even more difficult to extricate yourself from, as it slowly but steadily erodes your sense of self, and of what’s real. At its most malevolent, it’s crazy making. Like narcissistic rage and coercive control, it is abuse without the black eyes; this is not to say, however, that the violence can progress from psychological to physical.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight(originally a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton), in which a vivacious young woman played by Ingrid Bergman is slowly driven mad by her new husband, who pretends to love her, but is really after her money. He continually dims the gaslights of their apartment, while telling her that she’s imagining things — that the light is at normal levels of brightness — which causes her to crumble from a confident and self-assured person to self doubting and anxious. Psychoanalyst Dr Robin Stern is co-founder of the Yale Centre For Emotional Intelligence, and has written headtopics.com
The Gaslight Effect. “In therapy sessions, I can hear successful lawyers and academics, who are confident in every aspect of their lives except their intimate relationships, where they say things like, ‘It’s my fault’,” she says. “For the most part, it’s women who are gaslighted, because we have been socialised to be pleasers, to fear being alone, and until relatively recently to be dependent on men financially and for social status. Women can get stuck. According to domestic abuse statistics, it takes a woman an average of seven attempts before she will leave an abusive relationship. More women end up in psychotherapy because more women get stuck in bad relationships.
Rationalising “When a woman is physically battered or verbally abused, it’s easy to say, ‘Yes, he did this’, but if she can’t put her finger on it (her anxiety, self doubt, unease) then the woman will often point the finger at herself. “One client was physically and verbally abused by her husband for arriving home a little late from work. She rationalised it by saying that she knew he had issues with lateness, that he would not have hit her or swore at her had she been on time, and so really it was her fault.
“Another client was friendly and outgoing, and smiled at people in the street. Her boyfriend would get furious if she smiled at anyone. In therapy, she said it was her fault. Home & Property Get the best home, property and gardening stories straight to your inbox every Saturday.
“Only when the suggestion arose that she look down at the pavement to avoid smiling at anyone did she realise how crazy her situation was. ”In her book, Gaslighting, psychotherapist Dr Stephanie Sarkis explains how someone on the receiving end will use cognitive dissonance to remain connected with the gaslighter, “whether it is a partner, sibling, parent, co-worker, or someone you helped elect”.
This can manifest in three ways: we ignore the contradictory behaviour of the gaslighter; we fight against it; or we replace our beliefs and values with what the gaslighter tells us. She reminds us that we are not at fault for falling for a gaslighter — they are highly seductive people. “They’ll sweep you off your feet then drop you off a cliff,” she writes, adding that the most effective way to decrease a gaslighter’s influence on your life is to “get as far away as possible”.
Because gaslighters are so slippery and manipulative, your best bet is to cut off all contact. Easier said than done, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship with someone who gaslights you. There are broadly four levels of gaslighting: unconscious, being somewhat aware of it, intentional, and malicious. The effect on the gaslighted person tends to be disbelief, defence, and if it continues, self doubt, perhaps even depression.
“Gaslighting has several stages,” says Dr Stern. “Initially you think the other person is nuts, then you go into defend-or-deny mode, until you start to see yourself through the gaslighter’s eyes. This can erode your stability. I have never met anyone who remained robust when their reality is being eroded.”
But why do people do it? It’s not only women who experience gaslighting; men do too, in both straight and same-sex relationships, but because of how we are gender socialised, men are less likely to report abuse in their intimate relationships. So what prompts it? Dr Sarkis writes how many gaslighters have “narcissistic injury — a perceived threat to their self worth or self esteem”.
A very public example of gaslighting was when Donald Trump told comedian John Oliver that he did not wish to appear on Oliver’s HBO show. Oliver responded saying he had never invited Trump on, but Trump was so insistent that he had been invited four times (he hadn’t) that Oliver began doubting his own memory, and had to check with colleagues to make sure he wasn’t mistaken. Imagine that kind of dynamic in an intimate relationship, day in, day out.
Read More It’s not me, it’s you! How to spot a narcissist “Nobody is born a gaslighter,” says Dr Stern. “It is not a personality trait. Aggressive, controlling people are more likely to become gaslighters — it’s a learned dynamic which requires two people.
“This is not to blame the target of gaslighting, of course. But it’s important to recognise our human ‘urge to merge’, our need for connection, validation, understanding, love.” It’s these basic needs which gaslighters seek to manipulate.To cultivate a robust gaslighting radar, Dr Stern says it’s important to tune into our own emotions. “Pay attention to what is going on inside you as well as outside you,” she says.
“For instance, if the conversation twists from asking your partner why they are always coming home late to you being told you’re paranoid or insecure rather than addressing your original question. Many women will allow the conversation to be sidetracked because we have been socialised to be accommodating.
“Pay attention to your own internal signs. Something doesn’t feel right. It could manifest as headaches, or withdrawing from other people. We have not been taught or encouraged to tune into our emotions. Being emotional has a bad reputation, but our emotions provide information which we need to listen to.”
Clinical psychologist Professor Eva Doherty says that it can be incredibly difficult to reverse out of a gaslighting relationship. “It’s so insidious,” she says. “Red flags may be noticed in hindsight, but they are hard to detect in the honeymoon period.”
Prof Doherty explains that often in relationships where gaslighting and other coercive behaviours are present, the person being manipulated may be unconsciously echoing and reliving dysfunctional or unresolved childhood relationships. Gut feelings“As the relationship progresses and things get worse, there will be an eroding of self-esteem, an inability to see reality, endlessly questioning yourself,” she says.
“If you have children, it will be even harder. By definition, you cannot see what is real, which makes it even harder to empower yourself to walk away. This difficulty is not to be underestimated. ”Like Dr Stern, Prof Doherty says that the way out is to listen to your gut feelings. “Often people are angry and fearful, which are healthy and protective emotions,” she says. “Our feelings are usually screaming at us — we need to listen to them, to tune into what they are trying to tell us.
“People get their self esteem back by listening to someone else validating their feelings. And they also have to relinquish control. They may think, if I just get the formula right, the relationship will work. The abuser will reinforce this: ‘I’m like this because you’re like that’.
“But abusers don’t change. Even when a couple have separated, the victim can still be wondering why the abuser is being so unreasonable or obstructive. There is often a continuing belief that the abuser will change. But they won’t. “The difficulty of leaving a relationship like this should not be underestimated, particularly if it has been going on for a long time. The person’s sense of reality has been tampered with.”
This means that people do not present to a therapist or counsellor saying that they are being gaslighted. Instead, they will turn up with other issues — anxiety, panic attacks, stress, low mood — often not realising the source. The job of the therapist or psychologist is to facilitate the person coming to realise where the source of these uncomfortable feelings lie.
“It can take ages,” adds Prof Doherty. “The person has to come to the realisation themselves.” However, no matter how far down the rabbit hole you have fallen, it is possible to restore your sense of self. “If you walk away second guessing your own actions, you’re still being gaslighted,” says Dr Stern.
“If you walk away calling out and naming what is happening to you, you are no longer being gaslighted.” Rather than listen to the other person’s words, listen to your own instincts — they’re there to protect you.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the perpetrator makes the victim doubt their own memories, perceptions and behaviours. We talk to the experts about the warning signs and how to stand up to a gaslighter.
Calm down. You’re so emotional. I never said that. That never happened. It’s not a big deal. Stop imagining things. You’re always twisting things. I would never have done that. Stop being so dramatic. You’re over sensitive. I was just kidding. You’re remembering it wrong. What’s the matter with you? You’re insane. You need help.
his is gaslighting. Mostly it happens in intimate relationships, but really it can happen anywhere — at work, in friendships, in politics. It’s not a medical term, but a colloquialism referring to a form of psychological manipulation where over time the manipulated person begins to doubt their own memory, perception, even their reality.
It is a gradual process, which makes it difficult to detect if you’re on the receiving end, and even more difficult to extricate yourself from, as it slowly but steadily erodes your sense of self, and of what’s real. At its most malevolent, it’s crazy making. Like narcissistic rage and coercive control, it is abuse without the black eyes; this is not to say, however, that the violence can progress from psychological to physical.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight(originally a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton), in which a vivacious young woman played by Ingrid Bergman is slowly driven mad by her new husband, who pretends to love her, but is really after her money. He continually dims the gaslights of their apartment, while telling her that she’s imagining things — that the light is at normal levels of brightness — which causes her to crumble from a confident and self-assured person to self doubting and anxious. Psychoanalyst Dr Robin Stern is co-founder of the Yale Centre For Emotional Intelligence, and has written headtopics.com
The Gaslight Effect. “In therapy sessions, I can hear successful lawyers and academics, who are confident in every aspect of their lives except their intimate relationships, where they say things like, ‘It’s my fault’,” she says. “For the most part, it’s women who are gaslighted, because we have been socialised to be pleasers, to fear being alone, and until relatively recently to be dependent on men financially and for social status. Women can get stuck. According to domestic abuse statistics, it takes a woman an average of seven attempts before she will leave an abusive relationship. More women end up in psychotherapy because more women get stuck in bad relationships.
Rationalising “When a woman is physically battered or verbally abused, it’s easy to say, ‘Yes, he did this’, but if she can’t put her finger on it (her anxiety, self doubt, unease) then the woman will often point the finger at herself. “One client was physically and verbally abused by her husband for arriving home a little late from work. She rationalised it by saying that she knew he had issues with lateness, that he would not have hit her or swore at her had she been on time, and so really it was her fault.
“Another client was friendly and outgoing, and smiled at people in the street. Her boyfriend would get furious if she smiled at anyone. In therapy, she said it was her fault. Home & Property Get the best home, property and gardening stories straight to your inbox every Saturday.
“Only when the suggestion arose that she look down at the pavement to avoid smiling at anyone did she realise how crazy her situation was. ”In her book, Gaslighting, psychotherapist Dr Stephanie Sarkis explains how someone on the receiving end will use cognitive dissonance to remain connected with the gaslighter, “whether it is a partner, sibling, parent, co-worker, or someone you helped elect”.
Because gaslighters are so slippery and manipulative, your best bet is to cut off all contact. Easier said than done, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship with someone who gaslights you. There are broadly four levels of gaslighting: unconscious, being somewhat aware of it, intentional, and malicious. The effect on the gaslighted person tends to be disbelief, defence, and if it continues, self doubt, perhaps even depression.
“Gaslighting has several stages,” says Dr Stern. “Initially you think the other person is nuts, then you go into defend-or-deny mode, until you start to see yourself through the gaslighter’s eyes. This can erode your stability. I have never met anyone who remained robust when their reality is being eroded.”
But why do people do it? It’s not only women who experience gaslighting; men do too, in both straight and same-sex relationships, but because of how we are gender socialised, men are less likely to report abuse in their intimate relationships. So what prompts it? Dr Sarkis writes how many gaslighters have “narcissistic injury — a perceived threat to their self worth or self esteem”.
A very public example of gaslighting was when Donald Trump told comedian John Oliver that he did not wish to appear on Oliver’s HBO show. Oliver responded saying he had never invited Trump on, but Trump was so insistent that he had been invited four times (he hadn’t) that Oliver began doubting his own memory, and had to check with colleagues to make sure he wasn’t mistaken. Imagine that kind of dynamic in an intimate relationship, day in, day out.
Read More It’s not me, it’s you! How to spot a narcissist “Nobody is born a gaslighter,” says Dr Stern. “It is not a personality trait. Aggressive, controlling people are more likely to become gaslighters — it’s a learned dynamic which requires two people.
“This is not to blame the target of gaslighting, of course. But it’s important to recognise our human ‘urge to merge’, our need for connection, validation, understanding, love.” It’s these basic needs which gaslighters seek to manipulate.To cultivate a robust gaslighting radar, Dr Stern says it’s important to tune into our own emotions. “Pay attention to what is going on inside you as well as outside you,” she says.
“For instance, if the conversation twists from asking your partner why they are always coming home late to you being told you’re paranoid or insecure rather than addressing your original question. Many women will allow the conversation to be sidetracked because we have been socialised to be accommodating.
“Pay attention to your own internal signs. Something doesn’t feel right. It could manifest as headaches, or withdrawing from other people. We have not been taught or encouraged to tune into our emotions. Being emotional has a bad reputation, but our emotions provide information which we need to listen to.”
Clinical psychologist Professor Eva Doherty says that it can be incredibly difficult to reverse out of a gaslighting relationship. “It’s so insidious,” she says. “Red flags may be noticed in hindsight, but they are hard to detect in the honeymoon period.”
Prof Doherty explains that often in relationships where gaslighting and other coercive behaviours are present, the person being manipulated may be unconsciously echoing and reliving dysfunctional or unresolved childhood relationships. Gut feelings“As the relationship progresses and things get worse, there will be an eroding of self-esteem, an inability to see reality, endlessly questioning yourself,” she says.
“If you have children, it will be even harder. By definition, you cannot see what is real, which makes it even harder to empower yourself to walk away. This difficulty is not to be underestimated. ”Like Dr Stern, Prof Doherty says that the way out is to listen to your gut feelings. “Often people are angry and fearful, which are healthy and protective emotions,” she says. “Our feelings are usually screaming at us — we need to listen to them, to tune into what they are trying to tell us.
“People get their self esteem back by listening to someone else validating their feelings. And they also have to relinquish control. They may think, if I just get the formula right, the relationship will work. The abuser will reinforce this: ‘I’m like this because you’re like that’.
“But abusers don’t change. Even when a couple have separated, the victim can still be wondering why the abuser is being so unreasonable or obstructive. There is often a continuing belief that the abuser will change. But they won’t. “The difficulty of leaving a relationship like this should not be underestimated, particularly if it has been going on for a long time. The person’s sense of reality has been tampered with.”
This means that people do not present to a therapist or counsellor saying that they are being gaslighted. Instead, they will turn up with other issues — anxiety, panic attacks, stress, low mood — often not realising the source. The job of the therapist or psychologist is to facilitate the person coming to realise where the source of these uncomfortable feelings lie.
“It can take ages,” adds Prof Doherty. “The person has to come to the realisation themselves.” However, no matter how far down the rabbit hole you have fallen, it is possible to restore your sense of self. “If you walk away second guessing your own actions, you’re still being gaslighted,” says Dr Stern.
“If you walk away calling out and naming what is happening to you, you are no longer being gaslighted.” Rather than listen to the other person’s words, listen to your own instincts — they’re there to protect you.
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