Neuroscience Explains How a Narcissist Can Control Our Brain

Find out how abusers exert "mind control" and what you can do.

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Psychology Today
Apr 03, 2020

A new study sheds light on how other people influence our mind. Research on mice, whose brains are remarkably similar to humans, reveals that our brains are affected by those around us. The key factor is dominance. The brain of the subordinate mouse synchronized to the dominant mouse. This likely applies to our relationships. Typically, people with stronger personalities make the decisions and get their needs met more often than their partners do.

Other factors play a part. The more the mice interacted with each other, the more their brain activity was synched. Hence, the longevity and intensity of a relationship affect the degree to which those close to us have influence. A further twist on brain synchrony turns on two types of brain cells. One set is focused on our own behavior, and a second set focuses on other people. How we think and where we place our attention matters. At Carnegie Mellon University, neuroscientists are tracking our thoughts in fMRI’s brain scans to see which areas and neurons light up. Self and other neurons light up in varying degrees among certain populations.*
Dominance vs. Balance in Relationships

Ideally, friendships and intimate relationships are balanced so that both friends and partners have an equal say in decision-making. Overall, both individuals get their needs met. They each are able to assert themselves and negotiate on their own behalf. There is give and take and compromise. This is an interdependent relationship. It requires autonomy, self-esteem, mutual respect, and assertive communication skills.

Contrast relationships where power is imbalanced, such as in abusive relationships. One individual leads and the other follows; one dominates and the other accommodates. Some relationships are characterized by constant conflict and power struggles. My book Conquering Shame and Codependency describes traits and motivations of “Master” and “Accommodator” personalities. The master is aggressive and motivated to maintain power and control, while the accommodator is passive and motivated to maintain love and connection. Most of us have aspects of both types in our personality, although some people predominantly fall into one category. For example, many codependents are accommodators, and most narcissists prefer to be masters.
How Our Partner Controls Our Brain

Brain synchronization enables the dominant animal to lead and subordinate animals to read its cues and follow. What does this mean for our relationships? The new research suggests that in unequal relationships, the dominant partner’s brain entrains that of the subordinate partner, whose brain will synchronize with it. This pattern becomes more established the longer the couple interacts. Even though some individuals may be assertive and appear to behave independently prior to or outside of the relationship, once they're attached to a master, they increasingly accommodate the dominant partner. There are many variables at work, but presumably, brain synchronization is one that makes it harder for the subordinate person in the relationship to think and act autonomously and challenge the power imbalance.

People who are accommodators focus on others more than themselves. They admit to losing themselves in relationships. They monitor and adapt to other people’s needs, wants, and feelings. If you ask them what’s on their mind, it’s usually about someone else. One might suppose that their “other neurons” light up more consistently than “self neurons.” Their personalities prime them to do so. In contrast, brains of masters and narcissists probably light up “self neurons” more than “other neurons.”
How to Combat Brain Control

The synchronization process happens automatically and outside of our conscious control. It supports healthy relationships by allowing partners to be “in sync,” and read each other’s cues and minds. We know what our partner feels and needs. When there’s mutuality, love deepens, and happiness multiplies for both. On the other hand, where this process is in the service of one partner controlling the other, the relationship becomes toxic. Love and happiness wither and die.

The dominant partner has no incentive to give up control. It’s up to the subordinate partner to change the relationship dynamics. In doing so, power in the relationship may re-balance. Regardless, he or she will have gained the autonomy and mental strength to enjoy a better life or leave the relationship. Basic steps to making these changes are:

Learn all you can about codependency and abuse.

• Join Codependents Anonymous and begin psychotherapy.
• Build your self-esteem.
• Learn not to react to putdowns or your partner’s attempts to control and manipulate you.
• Learn to be assertive and set boundaries.
• Develop activities and interests you participate in without your partner.
• Learn mindfulness meditation to strengthen your mind.

© 2019 Darlene Lancer

References

*60 Minutes Ep. 52, “How MRI scans are showing scientists the physical makeup of our thoughts,” Nov 24, 2019.

Lancer, D. (2014). Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation.



https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202004/neuroscience-explains-how-narcissist-can-control-our-brain

6 Ways To Protect Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life

Támara Hill, MS, NCC, LPC

PsychCentral

September 2005
 

Last week I discussed 10 signs of narcissistic behavior that can be very detrimental to others, primarily those who have grown to trust the narcissist. That article was written with the goal of stimulating discussion (and even disagreement) to help broaden our lens about the topic. As you know, narcissistic behaviors are often inflexible, self-centered, vain, and egotistical. No matter how nice or caring some narcissists may appear, it is important to understand that this facade is likely to fade if you challenge these narcissists, go contrary to them, or do not give them what they want when they want it. Relationships with such emotionally unstable individuals are often one-sided. This week I will look at ways to protect yourself from the narcissistic behavior that we have all encountered at some point in our lives.

It’s sad to admit that my own field is divided on the topic of narcissism. One side believes that there is hope for the narcissistic individual and that a narcissist should be shown love, compassion, and understanding. While part of this is true, we cannot ignore the fact that love, compassion, and understanding are often foreign to the narcissist. The other side of the “clinical spectrum” believes that there is absolutely no hope for the narcissist and that treatment will likely result in little to no progress. There is certainly no in-between. Just read some of the posts on Facebook or other social media sites about narcissism and you are likely to see a great divide in opinions. Everyone has something to say about the narcissistic personality.

Despite the various opinions, it is essential to remember that the ultimate goal of narcissists is to increase their status, perceived power, or to gain something in some way. These individuals are incapable of true love and affection, and struggle to understand reciprocity. Relationships with a narcissistic person almost always become controlling, emotionally damaging, psychologically draining, and even traumatizing. Sadly, many of my former adolescent girl clients have experienced short-term relationships with a narcissistic boy. These relationships included domestic violence, rape, an introduction to substance abuse, and/or frequent engagement in partying that resulted in negative consequences such as one-night-stands or pregnancy. Many adolescents are also susceptible to becoming victims to narcissistic boys who prey on innocent female girls online in hopes of getting them to “sext” or send nude pictures. For adults, relationships with narcissistic individuals almost always results in a loss of finances, emotional stability, housing, or relationship.

Narcissism is a bigger problem than we realize. As a result, it’s important to understand how to protect yourself from individuals who are incapable of being reciprocal and understanding your feelings and needs. A few things you can do to protect yourself include – but are certainly not limited to:

Having appropriate boundaries: Narcissists hate boundaries because the “the world revolves around” them and everyone should listen to them. Boundaries make the narcissist understand that there are other people in the world who have feelings, expectations, goals, and dreams as well. Boundaries remind the narcissist that you are not blinded by their so-called “charm” and that you respect yourself. When you feel manipulated, used, mistreated, or exploited, stop participating in the problem. Back away and figure out how to erect boundaries. Think of boundaries as your personal “stop sign.”Being realistic. Not fantasizing or romanticizing: Some narcissists are so charming that they can have you feeling angry one moment and completely mesmerized the next. Their charm, intelligence, attractiveness, people skills, “intuition,” and social mannerisms can all be appealing and distracting. But keep in mind that these very traits you admire will most likely become the same traits that will hurt you. An important thing to remember about narcissistic individuald is that they lack insight into their behaviors and how they affect others. They operate in a world of “me only.” Someone who lacks insight can also be someone who lacks empathy. They are incapable of putting themselves in your shoes and imagining how their behavior is affecting you. In cases such as these, protect thyself.Expecting the worst: It’s unrealistic to go into a relationship with a self-centered person believing that your needs will be met, because they will not. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment or heartache. It’s not uncommon or “abnormal” for you to desire the love, care, and attention of someone you thought you could love. But once you understand just how little you mean to the narcissistic person, you will be better able to make healthy decisions for yourself. Sometimes the decision you have to make includes separation.

Moving away: Don’t feel guilty for having to move away or put space between you and the narcissistic individual. Also be mindful not to get sucked into the idea that “I am not being compassionate or caring” if you have to protect yourself. Narcissistic individuals can be very detrimental to your life and emotional well-being. Protect yourself. Protecting yourself involves recognizing when it is time to move on or move away so that you can reassess the situation and figure out if the relationship is working or worth keeping. Be mindful of the fact that a narcissistic individual is likely to attempt to charm you or guilt-trip you if you try to move away. Know why you need to separate and stand your ground. Remember that narcissistic people are often pursuing certain things for their own gain.Understanding their emotional void(s): Although you would be putting yourself on the line if you were to feel sorry for the narcissist and fall back into a pattern of being taken advantage of, it’s important to have some understanding of why the person is the way he/she is. Educating yourself to the person’s personality traits can help you better “navigate” this person in your life. For example, if you understand that a narcissistic person has a combination of environment and genes at play, you may be better able to control your emotional reactions to the person. Once you recognize that the person is often highly incapable of seeing their own flaws, you won’t become so angry with the fact that the narcissistic person cannot understand you. Another example may be learning about the narcissist’s emotional needs in order to protect yourself from being exploited. If you recognize that the narcissist is insecure and needs to feel approved of, you will be less likely to lash out if this person boasts or strokes his or her own ego.“Catering” to them: As angering as this suggestion may be, it can be helpful (especially if the relationship is unavoidable) to find ways to make the narcissist feel your approval. If you can get the person to trust you and respect you as a person, you may be more likely to get “closer” to the narcissist. Although narcissists are emotionally void and selfish, they crave approval and attention. If you approve of them in some ways and respect certain things about them, let them know and find ways to build your “relationship” based on their strengths.

It can be difficult to understand and even spot the narcissistic personality. But with knowledge and open eyes, you will be able to spot some of the behaviors that often characterize an emotionally void and self-centered person. Education truly is power. Once you understand that you are dealing with a narcissist or someone who is incapable of empathy, you will be better able to determine how you want to respond and protect yourself. I encourage you to try the above 6 tips in your own life.

Can you think of other things we should consider doing if we are being manipulated by or harmed by the narcissist?

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2015/09/5-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-the-narcissist-in-your-life/

6 Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissist

Anna Almendrala
Huffington Post
October 12, 2015

T

To outsiders, your dad is a larger-than-life social magnet who attracts people from all walks of life. Or your mom is the perfect woman, always looking to please and juggling everything with ease.

But behind closed doors, all pretense falls away. Only you, their child, knows what it’s like to endure their cold shoulders for days on end over a minor infraction, or bear the brunt of constant, age-inappropriate demands for perfection and strength. You know what it’s like to be parented by a narcissist.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of 10 personality disorders described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, an authoritative psychiatric guide. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-worth and base their identity on the praise and approval of others. Their intimate relationships are superficial and focused mostly on how other people reflect on them, with little to no empathy for the other person’s experience. They genuinely believe that they’re better than other people, but they are also prone to feeling intense shame over critiques they receive or mistakes they make.

Researchers estimate that less than one percent of the general population has evidence of “full-blown” NPD, but anywhere from two to 16 percent of people who seek therapy have the disorder. That’s usually because the loved ones in their lives have demanded they seek help or risk losing their relationship, career or other life privileges, explains therapist Wendy Behary, founder of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of the book Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed.

But children of narcissists are rarely in a position to demand that their parents seek help. In fact, they may not even realize that their parents were narcissists until they seek professional help for their own struggles, said Behary, who specializes in treating people with NPD and their "survivors." While narcissists come in all varieties and their symptoms vary across a spectrum, Behary notes that there are a few ways for adult children to tell they may have been raised by a narcissist. In the points below, both she and psychologist Craig Malkin, author of the book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — And Surprising Good — About Feeling Special, break down the signs of a narcissistic parent, and what adult children should do to break the cycle of destructive decisions.

1. You’re a complete doormat.

A narcissistic parent will trample all over their family to address their own desires without giving much thought to what anyone else needs. Because of this, some adult children of narcissists will actually overcorrect and bend over backwards to make sure no one could ever possibly perceive them this way. Alternately, they may have grown up all their lives being told that their needs don’t matter. Either way, the result is the same: They let people walk all over them because they’re not in touch with what they need and they don’t know how to express it.

"They’re not able to say, 'I matter,' and 'I have needs' because that feels narcissistic,” explained Behary. “Someone who’s fighting hard not to be a narcissistic parent ends up being trampled on."

"I’ve seen clients whose parents made them feel sick, crazy, or selfish for expressing the most basic of needs,” agreed Malkin. "One of my clients felt so worthless and frightened as an adult, he suffered from nightmares and cowered in the face of any authority figures because they reminded him of his abusive father."

What you can do: Learn as much about narcissism as you can, in order to be able to identify the dysfunctional messages you grew up with and start working against them.

“If I meet someone who has grown up with a narcissistic parent, or if I’m clued in that that might be the case, it's really important for me to make sure that they understand narcissism in all of its colors,” said Behary. "We figure out together what type of narcissism their parent had, but even more importantly, we have to look for the part of them that got lost along the way."

2. You’re afraid you might be a narcissist yourself.

Not everyone overcorrects in reaction to seeing narcissism. Some children see that the only way to avoid ridicule and abuse is to be like the narcissistic parent, and over the years, this survival tactic turns into the way they genuinely see the world. Adult children who adopted these coping mechanisms may find themselves putting others down out of a fear -- rooted in childhood -- that if they don’t show strength first, they could be crushed, just like when they were young, explained Malkin. “Extremely strong-willed children, more extraverted from birth, sometimes become narcissistic themselves in a game of ‘If you can’t beat 'em, join ‘em,’” he said. 

What you can do: Seek the help of a professional to help you break out of abusive behavior patterns, especially if you already have a partner and/or children.

"Children of narcissists who find themselves name-calling and hurling insults aren’t without hope, but they need to roll up their sleeves and work hard emotionally,” said Malkin. “They need to become comfortable feeling -- and expressing -- vulnerable feelings like sadness, loneliness, fear, and overwhelm with those they love."

3. You feel relentlessly competitive with, or resentful of, your sibling.

Narcissists have trouble with personal boundaries and view other people as extensions of themselves. In families with several children, one may be chosen to reflect the narcissist’s best qualities. They get the most attention, praise and support, but are also under the most pressure to perform. Another child may be a target for the parent’s blame and shame, and scapegoated as a burden that can never do anything right compared to the chosen child. They may also be blamed as the reason that a narcissistic parent is forced to act in an abusive way. Both projections are two different sides of a narcissist’s personality, but the chosen child and the scapegoat will have two very different childhoods, and this pits them against each other, even into adulthood.

What you can do: Reach out to your sibling with what you’ve learned. If you were the chosen child, you might resent your sibling for the fact that they were under a lot less pressure than you. But if you were the scapegoat, you might resent your sibling for soaking up all the praise and glory and leaving none for you. Understand that the narcissist pits people against each other on purpose, to serve their own needs, and that this dynamic wasn’t your fault.

"Extremely narcissistic people love to put people on pedestals — almost as much as they enjoy knocking them off them,” said Malkin. "Perfect people don’t disappoint, so if you idolize people -- even your kids -- you needn't ever worry about being disappointed or hurt. Scapegoating accomplishes much the same thing. You never have to worry about expecting too much and being disappointed because none of us really expect anything from people we view as worthless."

There is hope for siblings who were put in this position as children, said Behary -- even if the only thing that unites them in the end is the shared experience of having a narcissistic parent.

"They can end up feeling extremely bonded to one another,” said Behary. “Common hostages going through different phases of torture, based on how bad the narcissist might be in their life."

4. At times, you’ve felt you were more your parent’s partner than their child.

Not all narcissists command the spotlight with their bold, brash personalities. Some narcissists demand the attention of the room by playing the victim or describing their problems as greater than anyone else’s problems. They may also try to control other people’s actions by threatening to harm themselves unless a certain outcome goes their way.

People with this kind of narcissistic parent may feel that they spend their entire childhood running to put one fire out after another, or trying to maintain the peace so that no one is hurt. Some of Behary’s clients tell her that they felt more like their mother’s husband than their mother’s son, and this burden meant that they were doing more of the emotional supporting than the parent was. Or they felt their life was all about keeping their father from getting angry at the family.

“It’s the sense of drama that the child feels they have to manage,” said Behary. “In order to do that, they really have to forfeit a lot of their own innate childhood needs.”

What you can do: Take time to acknowledge the young child that’s still inside you, and ask what his or her needs were and still are. Behary advocates using the power of imagination -- aided, perhaps, by photos from childhood -- to acknowledge the emotional needs that weren’t met and still aren’t being fulfilled by your parents.

"She's still suffering in there and she needs someone to care about her,” said Behary. "She needs to be able to feel that she’s fine. She needs to know that she has rights too."

5. You derive self-worth solely from your achievements.

Some children of narcissists figure out that the only way to get along in this world is to do as their parent does and derive their self-worth from production, performance and achievement. While they may not be beset by the perilously low self-esteem and overwhelming sense of shame of a true narcissist, some adult children may take on behaviors like workaholism because their performance is the only way they've ever been taught to define themselves.

"The child of the narcissist learns that the only thing that matters is what I can produce in the world, not just my own little being,” said Behary. “[This] is very similar to the way the narcissist can be in the world, except children of narcissists may not have same brash overcoating -- they’re more detached, more self-contained."

What you can do: Try to empathize with your parent, suggests Behary. You don't have to feel sorry for them, but it can be helpful to emotionally inhabit the feelings and choices of another person, to understand their thoughts and decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Because of Behary’s work with narcissists, she understand that they are often intensely suffering because the survival tactics they learned in childhood are backfiring on them in adulthood.

While some researchers think that there may be a biological basis that makes some people more vulnerable to narcissism than others, others agree that the personality disorder stems from a complex mix of factors that include exceptionally harsh criticism and/or praise in childhood, which causes the child to shield their low self-esteem with a strong, perfect persona. It also makes the child especially needy of praise, admiration and flattery in order to feel normal, while leaving them especially vulnerable to even the slightest criticism, notes the Mayo Clinic.

“I care about the [narcissists] I work with because I know they’re suffering underneath,” said Behary. "People will say, ‘You’re such a softie on them,' and I say I hold them responsible for their bad behaviors, but I don’t blame them for how they were formed.” Behary emphasizes that while narcissists may have turned out this way through no fault of their own, it is solely their responsibility — not their children’s — to do something about it.

6. You have no sense of yourself, your wants, your needs or your goals.

A telling trait of narcissism is grandiosity: thoughts or feelings that one is superior to others, even if one doesn’t have the achievements to justify it. Narcissistic parents may see themselves as elite, but because they never achieved a certain level of success, they may find meaning in living vicariously through their children, explained Behary.

“Many children of narcissists will say, 'I’m not sure how I ended up in this career because I never really knew what I wanted,’” said Behary. Or, “I always felt like I was poised to be more of a reflection of my mother rather than be my own person."

What you can do: Consider going low or no-contact with abusive or manipulative parents. Not all narcissistic parents are abusive, explains Malkin. But parents with extreme forms of narcissism can leave their adult children feeling like shells of themselves, and sometimes the safest thing for adult children to do is to limit their exposure to these toxic relationships, especially if the parents don’t think they have anything to apologize for.

Malkin says there are three signs an adult child should consider going low or no-contact with parents: Abuse, Denial and Psychopathy. No one should ever have to put up with emotional or physical abuse, and if parents can’t acknowledge the fact that there’s a problem in the first place, there’s little chance that anything will change. Psychopathy, which in this case will look like a pattern of easy lies and remorseless manipulation, indicates that the parents aren’t just bad at putting themselves in others’ shoes — they may actually lack the ability to empathize with others, and may even lack a conscience.

“Abusers are 100 percent responsible for their abuse, and only they can stop it,” Malkin concluded. “Until they do, interactions won’t be safe.” 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5616b091e4b0082030a18f72?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063